Do you know a people pleaser?

Maybe you loosely identify as one?

Not sure? Click here to take our quiz.

Being overly agreeable, is often linked to blurred or weak boundaries, usually stemming from an unstable sense of self-worth. People may find it challenging to say no, to assert their needs, or to discuss their ideas with others, fearing disapproval or rejection. People-pleasing is often seen to be helpful, accommodating, likable and a way to foster positive relationships. However, research suggests that it can be an unconscious and automatic coping mechanism developed in response to adverse experiences.

Trauma expert Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, (author of “The Body Keeps The Score”) has found that children who had to develop skills like conflict avoidance and appeasement as a survival mechanism in a challenging home environment, often grew up to become adults who have embodied that need for external validation, and peace (at all costs).

Here are some of the detrimental effects of people pleasing:

Resentment and Burnout: Constantly catering to others' needs without regard for one's own can erode the foundation of a relationship, creating feelings of bitterness and fatigue.

Lack of Authenticity: People-pleasers often suppress their true feelings and desires so they can avoid conflict or rejection. This hinders genuine emotional connection and prevents open communication.

Unhealthy Power Dynamics: When one person neglects their own needs and becomes submissive and overly accommodating, the other party may unconsciously (or consciously) exploit the pleaser's vulnerability.

Limerence: People-pleasers are more susceptible to forming obsessions with someone they believe can improve them, complete them, or even just keep them safe. Without that person’s constant approval, they may feel unworthy and hopeless. This dependency is exhausting at best and can have dire consequences, at worst.

How can we treat and manage our desire to people please?

Experts will say “Set healthy boundaries,” but for a chronic people pleaser, that’s like telling them to run before they can even walk. Instead start small, with self-reflection:

What do I truly want?

When do I feel happy?

Who can I feel relaxed around?

If I had the choice, what would I do?

Once you’ve identified your genuine needs and desires, you can start to practice asking for them to be met. Let trusted friends, family and colleagues know that this is something you’re working on. It could be a big adjustment for them too, given that they may have become used to you behaving in a certain way up until now. People who are genuinely interested in your wellbeing won’t push back against you making these changes, they’ll celebrate you and support your growth.

One last thing before you go… there is a polar opposite to the “people pleaser”. Many will call them “narcissists”, but there are relatively few who genuinely fit that diagnosis. What’s more common is someone who is extremely “Avoidant”.  People with overly avoidant traits will prioritise their needs ahead of most others. Just like people pleasing, avoidance is a coping mechanism which was likely built in as a response to prior adverse experiences, and if they’re willing to do the work, it’s something they can change too, in an effort to build more equitable, healthy relationships.

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** If this piece has raised any personal concerns for you about deeply unhealthy relationships, please know that coercive control is abuse, and should be treated as such. Please reach out to an agency that specialises in DFV for support. 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) is a good place to start. For support with debilitating Limerence, doing Attachment Style work is essential. Also, DBT or 12 step recovery programs such as CODA and SLAA may be helpful. **