Why do we feel the need to have it all figured out?

How can we even predict what our future selves will want and need?

Firstly, what we want and need can and will change moment to moment, so there is no point in having it all figured out. Like, when we were kids we wanted to be a vet today, the next day a doctor and then on Wednesday we wanted to be Lara Croft (just me?) Would we hold ourselves to the first choice because we made a plan and ‘had it all figured out?’ No way! Life is full of different paths and opportunities that will pop out along the way. Would you turn down a great opportunity because you ‘had it all figured out’ when you were 20, and it doesn’t quite align with that plan? No way! It doesn’t mean to say that you can’t have aspirations and things you want to achieve, what it means is being flexible with what you want, so that you are open to explore new avenues and can give yourself the best chance of thriving and seeing what you can achieve. Being flexible also means that we are better able to manage adversity when it comes along, because it will come along. Being flexible enables us to bend instead of break, if we were to be rigid about our plans we wouldn’t know how to manage the unexpected and it would rock us a lot more than if we are open to change. Being open also allows us to question things, we think we know what’s best for us but how can we know that until we’ve experienced more? 

Managing the stress of it all

There are four things we aren’t always comfortable with sharing and these are listed below. It can be so vulnerable sharing them, yes, even dreams, because what if we say it and change our minds? What if we tell someone our dream and we don’t follow through with it? What if we now don’t want to be the thing we studied years to be? Hey, it’s ok to change our minds. Let’s explore a little what these can mean:

‍Pressures, Demons, Dreams and Uncomfortable thoughts: We all have them

‍Demons: Our demons are the negative narratives we all have and unconsciously and consciously repeat to ourselves. They will tell us we are not good enough, that everyone around us is doing ‘better’ than we are. The truth is, everyone around us is doing different to us - this does not mean they are right and we are wrong, or vice versa. It means that we are passionate about different things and are on different paths- hello comparison being the thief of joy! These negative narratives can inhibit our helpful behaviour e.g. taking action towards our goals, being the person we want to be, and asking for help.

‍Dreams: We all have different dreams, so when our demons tell us we are doing it wrong, or we’re behind -whose dream are we comparing ours to? What is it we’re trying to ‘figure out’ -our entire life? If so, that takes the whole point of dreaming away, it literally takes it from under our feet. Dreaming means anything is possible and if we are trying to plan the unknown, well a) this isn’t possible and b) we restrict ourselves so much so that we miss out on new opportunities. Take steps towards your dreams and be open to new possibilities, it might turn out even better than you’d hoped. If you have dreams share them with supportive people and know it’s ok for those dreams to change. Ask for help in reaching those dreams and you never know how many doors will open! 

‍Pressures: Who is pressuring us, society, family, friends, ourselves? Are we on a path we don’t want to be on because we feel pressure to be there? When we are listening to the pressures we tend to feel overwhelmed and become reclusive. When we do this, we start to avoid the things we know we need to do in order to feel better, including reaching out for support. 

‍Uncomfortable thoughts: We all have them, especially when we feel low or like we ‘haven’t got our life figured out like everybody else’. These thoughts can be of self-harm, taking our life, and usually team-up with our demons (negative narratives). These thoughts are really common although they make us feel alone and like we can’t reach out for help, but this is exactly when you should reach out. It can feel scary but saying ‘I’m not ok’ is one of the bravest things you can do. 

‍Ok, I understand this so far, so what can I do?

Quietening the negative and turning up the beneficial noise.

Firstly, we all have a negative narrative so we won’t be able to completely shut it down, but we can learn to tune into the beneficial radio station more. How? Writing a list of things we want to do; aims, goals, and writing small steps we can take in the next week, months and years to get there. This helps identify what it is we want and gives a sense of purpose and achievement. 

Writing down the negative narratives and challenging them, do you have evidence for them? How can you re-write those narratives to be more helpful? For example, switching “I won’t be any good at my new job, I don’t know a lot” to “I am new at this and willing to learn and it’s ok to ask for help”. Reach out to people, in your community, go to community and social events that you’re interested in, look to social media for groups, reach out to family and friends and tell them about your interests. Journal your journey along the way and encourage others to do the same.  

Have I got it all figured out? No, and I don’t want to, that would be boring. Do I know what I enjoy doing, yes! And there’ll be things out there that I haven’t even experienced yet. So no, I don’t want to have it all figured out because that means losing out on so many other opportunities to see what I’m good (or bad) at. Talking about our experiences encourages others to do the same and this creates the support we need to feel heard, empowered and encouraged to be and explore ourselves. 

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